"Even if you stumble you’re still moving forward
Update

Have not made an entry for a while and been thinking about this lately. Pondered whether it was necessary to put my thoughts on “paper” or not. Obviously I decided it was.
My, how life can change from day to day and month to month. What I have learned over the last year is that ones happiness is solely up to them. Situations are open to interpretation and therefore everything means what you make of it.
I refuse to rely on anyone to make me happy. People let me down. So I go through life at my own pace and on my own terms. Do things for people when I want, or when necessary for my kids… I am their only mother.
Now one can interpret the above to mean that I am rude, inconsiderate, afraid…like I said, situations are open to interpretation. Everyone’s entitled. But this is my choice and it is what works for me, what makes me happiest. Be what it may, I am who I am. Like it or leave it but you won’t change it, nor will either of the choices matter to me.
I can’t care anymore who likes who I am or what I do (or don’t do). Life is too short. I have to push on. I love me.

National Honesty Day

In honor of National Honesty Day -

People are selfish by nature. But I am sick and tired of selfish asses. Only speaking to me when it is convenient for them, only treating me with respect when they have the time to spare. I am a human being but I expect to be treated as I treat you. If I treat you like shit, then have at it. But if I listen to you whine, cry, bitch and mope about self inflicted pain then it is your duty to listen to me drop a couple “F” bombs while expressing my frustration with life. If you don’t reciprocate, then get the fuck out of my life because I don’t want you.

I’m pissy. I’m angry. With lots of things. I dislike that I get turned down from a job due to the lack of a piece of paper. To me, a person that can outshine most of my coworkers, this seems ludicrous. A piece of paper does not determine your self worth. How did we become a society where a piece of paper equals the difference between getting treated like shit or with respect?

I’m sick of all the politics. Everywhere you look it is there. To kill babies or not to kill babies, to accept gay marriages or not to accept gay marriages, Obama, Osama, deficits, Medicare, social security, gun rights, fuel/oil…on and on and on. Politics ticks me off. Political people tick me off. They constantly attempt to make something that is morally wrong, or right, into a political matter. To them, it is not about rhyme or reason, it is about money and power because these two things equal control. Humans must have an inherit desire to control. Certain things are rights and others are privileges, yet all of the fine lines are smudged by politicians because they want the money and power…the control. To me, the lines are as defined as they could possibly be. I have a difficult time not getting upset with people that create grey areas and smudge the lines for others. Things are white and black. There may be an argument to both sides but there are still, only two sides.

Something is wrong with the world when I am supporting my family, paying daycare, buying my own groceries, paying for health and life insurance, working every day, making sure my kids get an education, paying my taxes, etc. yet I stand behind a piece of trash buying cigs, sporting her new tattoo, holding an iphone, and spending her food stamp money on gas station junk food to take home while she sits on her ass all day. Maybe I am going about things all wrong.

Some might say I’m too angry. No, I’m not too angry. I’m too damn observant. Take the shades off, pay attention, and you will likely be the same as me.

[Ozzy]
I’m going through changes
I’m going through changes

[Eminem]
Lately I really, feel like I’m rolling for delph like Philly,
I feel like I’m losing control of myself, I sincerely,
Apologize if all that I sound like is I’m complaining,
But life keeps on complicating, an’ I’m debating,
On leaving this world, this evening, even my girls,
Can see I’m grievin’, I try and hide it,
But I can’t, why do I act like I’m all high and mighty,
When inside, I’m dying, I am finally realizing I need help.
I can’t do it by myself, too weak, 2 weeks I’ve been having ups and downs,
Going through peaks and valleys, dilly dallying,
Around with the idea, of ending the shit right here.
I’m hatin’ my reflection, I walk around the house tryin’ to fight mirrors,
I can’t stand what I look like, yeah, I look fat, but what do I care?
I give a fuck, only thing I fear, is Hailie,
I’m afraid if I close my eyes I might see her,
Shit..

[Chorus]

[Eminem]
I lock myself in the bedroom, bathroom, nappin’ at noon,
Yeah dad’s in a bad mood, he’s always snappin’ at you.
Marshall what happened at you, you can’t stop with these pills,
And you’ve fallen off with your skills, and your own fans are laughin’ at you.
It become a problem you’re too pussy to tackle, get up,
Be a man, stand, a real man woulda had this shit handled.
Know you just had your heart ripped out and crushed,
They say Proof just flipped out, homie just swift out and bust,
Nah, it ain’t like Doody to do that,
He wouldn’t fuckin’ shoot at, no-body, he fights first,
But dwellin’ on it only makes the night worse,
Now I’m poppin Vic’s, perks and Methadone pills.
Yeah Em, tight verse, you killed it,
Fuckin’ drug dealers hang around me like “yes man”,
And they gon’ do whatever I says when, I says it,
It’s in their best interest to protect their investment.
And I just lost my fuckin’ best friend, so fuck it, I guess then…

[Chorus]

Don’t know what I’m gonna do, but I just keep on going through changes…

My friends can’t understand this new me,
That’s understandable man, but just think how bananas you’d be,
You’d be an animal too, if you were trapped in this fame and caged in it like a zoo.
And everybody’s lookin’ at you, what you want me to do,
I’m startin’ to live like a recluse and the truth is,
Fame startin’ to give me an excuse, to be at a all time low.
I sit alone in my home theatre, watchin’ the same damn DVD,
Of the first tour, the last tour, he was still alive.
And it hurt sore, fast forward, sleepin’ pills’ll make me feel alright.
And if I’m still awake in the middle of the night,
I just take a couple more, yeah you’re motherfuckin’ right,
I ain’t slowin’ down for no one, I am almost homeward bound.
Almost in a coma, yeah homie come on, dole ‘em out
Daddy, don’t you die on me, daddy, better hold your ground.
Fuck, don’t I know the sound of that voice,
Yeah baby hold me down.

[Chorus]

[Eminem]
Wake up in the hospital, full of tubes, plus somehow I’m pullin’ through.
Swear when I come back I’ma be bulletproof.
I’ma do it just for Proof, I think I should state a few,
Facts, cause I may not get a chance again to say the truth.
Shit it just hit me that what if I would notta made it through?
I think about the things I would have never got to say to you,
I’d never get to make it right, so here’s what I came to do.
Hailie this one is for you, Whitney and Alaina too,
I still love your mother, that’ll never change,
Think about her every day, we just could never get it together.
Hey, wish there was a better way, for me to say it,
But I swear on everything, I’d do anything for her on any day.
There are just too many things, to explain, when it rains,
Guess it pours, yes it does, wish there wasn’t any pain.
But I can’t pretend there ain’t, I ain’t placin’ any blame,
I ain’t pointin’ fingers, heaven knows i’ve never been a saint.
I know it just feels like we just pissed away our history,
But just today, I looked at your picture, almost if to say,
I miss you self consciously, wish it didn’t end this way.
But I just had to get away, don’t know why,
I don’t know what else to say, I guess I’m..

[Chorus]

Me

If I don’t know you, I may not speak to you or behave very friendly. To some this seems stuck up. It isn’t, I’m more complex than that. I don’t NEED more friends. I have the best already. I especially don’t need any person in my life that doesn’t desire me as I am. But, if you take the time to try to get to know me and put forth some effort, I will be the best friend you could ever have. I care. I understand. I listen. I have flaws. Many. Too many to list actually. They make me who I am. I might attempt to make an excuse for them, but then I realize there are no excuses. There does not need to be any either. I’m at a point in my life where I’m admitting my flaws much more freely than ever. I’m finding them to be endearing actually. I have a messy junky car, sad songs make me cry so I avoid them, I have cellulite, sometimes struggle with anxiety, think sexual thoughts a lot maybe even too much, secretly just want to be loved even if I act like it is irrelevant, avoid drama that is sometimes necessary, hate fighting and won’t until I’m shoved too hard then my mind is dangerous, don’t drink enough water, can be lazy, possibly seemingly boring, keep my mouth shut when some wouldn’t, give people too many chances, when I get hurt I get mean and angry, hold grudges, no turning back when I do eventually give up on you, don’t get dolled up daily like I’ve heard girls should…. All these things are me. I’m not necessarily proud of everything I have done or do but I will love me. And although I wont tell you, thats all I want from you.

Dark

In such a dark place. Don’t know what to do. My heart aches. What it must be like to feel truly loved, cherished, valued by someone other than my mom and kids…I wouldn’t know.

I believe with every fiber of my being that my kids were given to me to keep my head on, to help me know what true love feels like. Genuine smiles, hugs, and kisses they give. I love them so much but I need them even more. Without them, I would never have made it this far I assure you.

The dark resonating pain is from loving with every fiber, supporting in every way shape and form, only to have it be taken for granted and never reciprocated. Am I hard to love? Am I so easy to treat badly? What did I do? I wish I knew the answers. I say I’m broken. I don’t mean just cracked but I seriously think I’m broken beyond repair. A hole that gets bigger and bigger. Unfortunately sometimes I just need more than the love my mom and kids give me. I’m hurt, so hurt. And I don’t understand how to stop it without creating more pain. So I deal. I smile. But occasionally, like now, the bonding blows apart like a bomb. How did things get this way? How did I get here? I don’t want to be here anymore. How do I stop it? How do I fix it?

Then the fighter kicks in. I refuse to disappoint. I won’t leave or hurt my kids. “Quit being a pussy, a drama queen, put on your big girl panties and deal. You caused it, you allowed/allow it” I tell myself. But right now, at this moment, I cant seem to gather the shards of myself. So I sit here and write. In an attempt to help my brain relax, chill, compose. Hoping to make sense of things and devise a better plan to fix it.

If I could just fall asleep, I know I will be OK. Tomorrow is another day. I will see those sweet faces tomorrow. The ones I love so much. The ones that depend on me. And it will all be OK. Right? It has to be. There is no other option for me.

Lala

You can drees me up in diamonds
You can dress me up in dirt
You can throw me like a lineman
I like it better when it hurts
Oh I have waited here for you
I have waited
You make me wanna lala
In the kitchen
On the floor
I’ll be a French maid
When I meet you at the door
I’m like an alley cat
Drink the milk up I want more
You make me wanna
You make me wanna scream
You can meet me on an aeroplane
Or in the back of the bus
You can throw me like a boomerang
I’ll come back and beat you up
Oh I have waited here for you
Don’t keep me waiting
You make me wanna lala
In the kitchen
On the floor
I’ll be a French maid
When I meet you at the door
I’m like an alley cat
Drink the milk up i want more
You make me wanna
You make me wanna scream
I feel safe with you
I can be myself tonight
I’ts alright with you
‘Cause you hold my secrets tight
You do, you do
You make me wanna lala lalala lalala lalalala lala
you make me wanna la lalala
you make me wanna lala
In the kitchen
On the floor
I’ll be a French maid
When I meet you at the door
I’m like an alley cat
Drink the milk up I want more
You make me wanna
You make me wanna lala
In the kitchen
On the floor
I’ll be a French maid
When I meet you at the door
I’m like an alley cat
Drink the milk up I want more
You make me wanna
You make me wanna scream
You make me wanna lala lalala lalala lalala la

Perfect

Hey dad look at me
Think back and talk to me
Did I grow up according to plan?
And do you think I’m wasting my time
Doing things I wanna do
But it hurts when you disapprove all along
And now I try hard to make it
I just wanna to make you proud
I’m never gonna be good enough for you
I can’ t pretend that I’m alright
And you can’t change me
cause we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I’m sorry I can’t be perfect
Now it’ s just too late
And we can’t go back
I’m sorry I can’t be perfect
I try not to think
About the pain I feel inside
Did you know you used to be my hero
All the days you spent with me
Now you seem so far away
And it feels like you don’t care anymore
And now I try hard to make it
I just wanna make you proud
I’m never gonna be good enough for you
I can’ t stand another fight
And nothing’s alright
cause we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I’m sorry I can’t be perfect
Now it’ s just too late
And we can’t go back
I’m sorry I can’t be perfect
Nothing’s gonna change the things that you said
Nothing’s gonna make this right again (right again)
Please don’ t turn your back
I can’ t believe it’s hard just to talk to you
But you don’ t understand (you don’t understand)
cause we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I’m sorry I can’t be perfect
Now it’ s just too late
And we can’t go back
I’m sorry I can’t be perfect
cause we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I’m sorry I can’t be perfect
Now it’ s just too late
And we can’t go back
I’m sorry I can’t be perfect

Demons or Angels

I’ve come to the conclusion that there are three or so “beings” that control me.

Being one, The Holder: This one I consider to be a demon of sorts because nothing surrounding it is favorable. It is fed by all the wrongs that have been done to me. It snacks on wrongs done to those I love. It never forgets. It is fat, well fed, definitely not hungry. It likes to creep up and remind me of stuff I thought I had let go of and loves to show its face when times are tough already. So aggitating.

Being two, The Pusher: I am so indecisive as to whether this one is an angel or demon. It expects perfection from me in everything I do. It believes I should be able to do everything, and do it perfectly. (I know this is not feasible.) It makes me believe I should be able to do my family’s laundry, cook three course meals, send the kids out the door with perfect curls and neatly packed bags, every room in the home clean with everything in its place, all while also working a full time job and solely providing financially for the family. It believes I am capable of accomplishing feats only a Martha Stewart/Marsha Brady/Bill Gates hybrid could accomplish (minus the insider trading and penis of course). It pushes me for perfection in all I do but unrealistic expectations create…failures. Which is why it could be viewed as an angel or demon. Guess it depends on where you are at in the process, an angel when you are being rewarded for good hard work but demonic when the inevitable happens.

Being three, Careless: This one can also be viewed as an angel or demon. This one typically shows up after a failure, (sometimes too late, which is totally fitting for a careless being). Whether late or not, it can show up as quick as a finger snap, faster than one can say…”You know what? I don’t fucking care anymore!”. All of this is angelic to an extent because it stops the grieving process a failure can cause. Where it becomes demonic is when it decides to interfere with an existing agenda of the Pusher. When the careless attitude is present, there is definitely no agenda. Maybe this is not demonic at all?

I wish I could be careless more but those relying on me, and only me, pushes me to keep on going.

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting

I’m through with doubt
There’s nothing left for me to figure out
I’ve paid a price
And I’ll keep paying

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I know you said
Can’t you just get over it
It turned my whole world around
And I kind of like it

I made my bed and I sleep like a baby
With no regrets and I don’t mind sayin’
It’s a sad sad story when a mother will teach her
Daughter that she ought to hate a perfect stranger
And how in the world can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they’d write me a letter
Sayin’ that I better shut up and sing
Or my life will be over

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should
What it is you think I should

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting

Even when you stumble, you are still moving forward.